A little bit about me:
I’m currently studying Health Science at Edith Cowan University with a major in health promotion and a minor in addiction studies. I have experience working in marketing and events and I started working in the mental health industry at the beginning of 2017.
The challenge I faced:
In 2016 I went through different challenges in my life. I went through a break up, I had some family issues at home, I had work issues. I had many things going on that affected every aspect of my life.
As a result, I started to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety, which really affected me on an emotional and physical level and started to have an impact on my everyday life.
How I would have described myself growing up?
I was always shy as a child. I was very introverted and very quiet. I was a happy child… I was always happy and everything was so simple. I found joy in the simplest things and looking back, it was definitely the best time of my life.
I first realized there was a problem when:
At the time, I didn’t know what was going on. I had these challenges thrown at me and I didn’t know how to deal with them or how to react to them.
Because I didn’t know how to solve the issues, I avoided them and it then started taking a toll on my life. It affected my eating habits, my exercise routine and my self-care. Then it started affecting my moods and I started sleeping more. I started to feel really down all the time and I let it affect my relationships with my family and friends.
I’ve always been a really motivated person. I’ve always had drive and I’ve always had high expectations of things I want to achieve in life.
All of a sudden, I lost that. I lost that motivation and I didn’t know what was happening. I stopped caring about things that used to be so important to me and I didn’t understand why.
For the first time in my life, I felt numb. It was a really low and flat period of my life, a feeling I’ve never experienced before.
During this difficult stage in my life, I found it very difficult to just find joy in the little things. I stopped enjoying things that I used to love and I started to isolate myself. I didn’t really know what to do and it was months before I did anything about it. I kept it inside for a really long time because I was worried about talking to people and worried what people would think if I admitted that I was struggling.
I also felt like it wasn’t okay that I wasn’t okay, because on the outside, my life looked great.
The lowest point for me was:
There were a few low moments for me. I felt very alone throughout the whole experience, which was incredibly difficult. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone so I isolated myself.
It really hit me when I realised that I had let it affect my social life so much that as a result I lost some of my closest friends at the time. I stopped hanging out with my friends and I made ‘logical’ excuses as to why I couldn’t go. I would then crawl into bed instead of going out and then emotionally beat myself up for doing so. It was only later that I realised that I was making those excuses because of my depression and anxiety.
At my absolute lowest point, I remember having an argument with someone.
It was really hard because I was struggling at that stage. I was having an argument with someone and, looking back at it now, it wasn’t an argument that should’ve been had. At that point in my life, I had reached my limit and that argument tipped me over.
I remember driving, trying to get away from the situation and pulling over to the side of the road. I found a space and just let go. I cried and cried and cried.
It was all this build up. I had started crying before I left the argument, but my reaction was to get out of there as fast as possible because I didn’t want anyone to know how vulnerable I was and how much I was struggling.
I didn’t know what to do and at that stage, no one really knew what was going on with me.
I called my brother and cried more. For a good two or three hours, I was just an absolute mess. I had to calm myself down and get myself back into a calm state of mind to go back and try to deal with the situation.
That was definitely my lowest point.
At that stage, I didn’t really have any hope or motivation. Everything was too much for me. I didn’t necessarily have suicidal thoughts, but at that point I was thinking: what’s the point? Why do I do everything that I do? Why do I work so hard? When every aspect of my life isn’t going the way I want it to?
It was hard because no one really knew what I was going through. My brother knew bits and pieces but no one knew the internal conflict that I was battling through.
I had a friendship group at that stage, people who I thought were my closest friends but who shortly after, I had a falling out with. I wish I could’ve reached out to them at the time but I couldn’t. They knew that there were things going on my life, but they didn’t really understand what I was going through. I probably didn’t communicate that properly but at the same time, I felt like I couldn’t reach out to them. I felt like I couldn’t reach out to anyone.
I was confused. I didn’t know what to do and what would help me. At that stage I didn’t even know if I wanted to be helped.
When did you first realize there was a problem?
For me, it was a gradual progression into depression and anxiety. It was feeling flat and feeling low. At the beginning I thought it was a phase. I thought it was normal.
There were some things happening in my life, which I thought were normal to be down about, but it got to the point where I was feeling down about things going on and continuing to feel that way. The feeling never quite went away. I started feeling that way for so long that I didn’t know how to be happy anymore.
One day the things that always brought me joy, all of a sudden didn’t anymore.
Suddenly I felt like everything was too much. Everything was overwhelming. My anxiety was taking control, making me think that I couldn’t do things. I couldn’t achieve things. I couldn’t talk to people. Everything was too much for me to deal with.
I’ve been modelling for years and I’ve been involved in pageantry. I’ve also done quite a lot of public speaking. I’ve always been shy, but modelling has helped me to grow my confidence and to come out of my shy little shell.
I had spent years building my confidence and then all of a sudden I felt like I was going backwards and spiralling down faster than I had built myself up.
The anxiety had control over me. I felt like I was powerless and couldn’t break out of that. Just doing everyday things was too much for me. I dreaded getting out of bed in the morning because I was worried about what would happen that day, what I would be exposed to, and worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
It got to the stage where I was having panic attacks. Lots of them and quite regularly. There were times when I would lock myself in the bathroom to hide what I was going through. It was hard.
The panic attacks were confusing for me. I would just go into a panic and people around me wouldn’t know what was going on. I would run and try to escape the situation because that was my defence mechanism: flight.
I think the hardest part was first trying to work out what was going on. Something that was completely new to me, something that I had never felt before. I’m not a very open person and so speaking about anything personal was difficult for me.
It was difficult opening up to people and being honest with myself about what was going on; and then acknowledging that and accepting what I was going through. I guess I was in a bit of denial that I was going through depression and anxiety.
However, talking to people was the best thing I’ve ever done. It wasn’t easy to do. Some people didn’t understand, but the important people did. I’ve realised there are people around me that will be there for me no matter what.
Another hard part was feeling confused. I didn’t know what was going on. I started to doubt myself, doubt what I was doing, doubting everything I’d ever believed in and questioning who I was.
I felt like I was losing myself.
My first step towards overcoming the problem:
Just go for your happiness
I thought that if I kept myself busy, I would be okay, that I would distract myself and I would be happy.
When I was at one of my lowest points, I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want to accept what was going on and I didn’t want to tell people about it. I was struggling so much that everything was too much so I ended up going overseas.
That was probably the first thing I did and that caused a conflict in itself. I just wanted to get away so I booked a trip overseas for my 21st birthday. It upset some of my family and it probably confused some of my friends as to why I didn’t want to be celebrating my 21st birthday with them. But it was too much.
That was the first thing I did because I love travelling and I thought a holiday would help. In the long term it helped a lot, but I had a panic attack at the airport before I left. Here I was going on holidays and I was crying about it.
On that trip I had quite a few breakdowns in private. I went by myself, and I was travelling with a group of people I didn’t know. I had my breakdowns and it was really difficult.
Whilst I love travelling, at that stage the thought of flying, and the thought of meeting new people… that made me anxious, but it was better than dealing with my situation at home. I had good experiences on the trip, but I came back feeling guilty. One, for going on a holiday on my 21st birthday and not spending it with my friends and family. Two, I had spent a whole lot of money on this trip and I didn’t know if it was worth it because I felt really anxious about it and still didn’t feel better when I returned home. I also felt really down and lonely on my 21st birthday.
That was the first step for me. After that I came back, realised that things still weren’t okay, and that it wasn’t as simple as running away and coming back. The problems were still there and were waiting for me when I returned. I just took a little longer to deal with them.
That’s when I realised that I needed to do something, that I needed to tell someone else. I confided in a friend and she suggested that I go and speak to a professional to talk things through and to try to work it out.
I booked an appointment with a counsellor over the phone to find out it was a three week wait.
I couldn’t wait three weeks.
That was really hard. It took me weeks to build up the courage to make the phone call because, at that time, talking on the phone made me anxious. I made the phone call, found out it was a three week wait and I was upset about that.
I made another phone call to Headspace and made an appointment with them as well. They were about a three and a half week wait. A little bit longer than the first but I made both just in case. I had a bit of a feeling that that was the right thing to do, which was lucky because the first counsellor that I went to, I felt uncomfortable and for the whole hour I had a breakdown. I had another breakdown in my car before heading home. He was very direct with his approach and that just didn’t quite click with me.
That was the first time I opened up. I hadn’t opened up to my parents. I had only opened up to my brother and my friend and that was it. That was really difficult. I came out of that first counselling experience an absolute mess.
If I hadn’t already booked an appointment with Headspace, I probably wouldn’t have gone out to seek help again because my first counselling experience almost made it worse. I went to Headspace and I started getting counselling there. That was honestly the best thing I’ve ever done.
I was upset. I was vulnerable. I don’t open up easily so telling someone all my problems, everything that was going on in my life, was absolutely daunting. It wasn’t an instant fix and I still battle with it sometimes. It’s not a quick recovery, there’s a lot to it.
I think when I started to talk to Headspace, that gave me the confidence to let go of the guilt that I had been feeling. I felt really guilty that I had been feeling that way.
I’ve been quite successful in a lot of things that I’ve done in the past and I felt that by feeling the way I was feeling, I wasn’t living up to that expectation.
I didn’t have the confidence to speak to people because I didn’t think they would understand. From the outside, I guess things looked pretty good for me. Talking to someone at Headspace helped me realise that it was okay that I wasn’t okay. What I was going through was normal, it was just a matter of figuring out how to work through it.
It can be done and it is something that you can overcome.
That then gave me the confidence to talk to more family and friends. Then eventually, more publicly. That’s when I realised that I was on the mend. At a turning point, I suppose.
Because when I started talking to people, whilst not everyone understood, the important people did.
I can’t even explain how helpful it is to talk about it and to be honest with yourself and other people about how you’re feeling and to accept all of those emotions. For me, that was the first step in my recovery.
What I’ve learnt about myself through this experience:
I think I’ve learnt a lot about myself.
I’ve learnt a lot about the way I communicate with people, ways to deal with different situations, with conflicts, and how to look at difficult situations differently and approach them in a different way.
It’s also led me to what I’m doing now. I’m so grateful for it. I’ve always wanted to help people, but now I have the drive to help other people who’ve been through the same or a similar situation. People who’ve felt as low, isolated and hopeless as I did.
At the beginning of 2017, I started a practicum through my degree where I was working at a mental health carers organisation. I loved it. I started working within the health promotion team and educating others about mental health. On my third day there, they actually offered me a professional position.
I now go out to schools and educate youth about mental health, mental illness and how to keep mentally healthy. I’m so grateful for what I went through because without my experience, I wouldn’t have the passion and drive that I now have to work in the mental health field and to help other people who experience mental health issues.
I think I’ve learned to appreciate little things. I’ve learned how important self-care is and how important it is to nurture the relationships that you have.
Going through this experience, I’ve tried different things, finding out what will help me and what won’t. Through that, I’ve started doing meditation and Tai Chi, learning how to be mindful. That’s helped so much and it’s given me a totally different perspective on life.
Mental illness is something that can be overcome. We all go through difficult situations and sometimes they’re harder to deal with. Sometimes those situations just get the better of us.
There is life after depression and anxiety. It can feel like it’s never ending. It can feel like the most isolating place and that there’s no exit, but there is.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and that I’m strong enough to overcome difficult situations. I now know how to better approach different challenges and I’ve learnt how to communicate better with others and to nurture friendships.
Through my struggle I didn’t nurture my friendships and my relationships as much as I should have. I let that go.
For better or for worse, I lost friends through this experience, which was really difficult at the time. However, I’ve learnt to appreciate the people I do have in my life and to really nurture those strong relationships because at the end of the day, they’re your support. They’re what get you through the difficult days. They’re what get you through the tough situations.
Whether it’s someone you talk to about things going on or someone that’s there just to give you a hug or encouragement, you need those strong relationships in your life.
The advice I would give someone going through a difficult situation:
The advice I would give someone is to never give up. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
We all go through difficult situations. It’s a normal part of life. We just have to accept that. If you are struggling, if you are going through a difficult time, you shouldn’t feel guilty about that.
Like I said, it’s completely normal and there are so many people in the exact same position who think that there’s no way out… but I guarantee you there is. There’s no challenge too big that can’t be overcome. You just have to keep working on it every single day.
Look after yourself the best you can, which can be hard when you’ve got absolutely no motivation, but don’t give up because you can overcome this battle. You have the potential to be happy again.
What drives me today:
There are lots of things that drive me. With this experience, I’ve found a passion in mental health promotion and helping other people who’ve gone through similar experiences to me. That’s a big driver for my career.
As I said, because of my experience, I did a practical work experience in a mental health carers organisation. That led to a job educating youth about mental health. That’s a really big driver for me to keep my own mental health good and to make sure I’m mentally healthy because that’s what I’m advocating for.
That’s what I want to share with other people – that there is the opportunity to live a happy and positive life after depression, and you can even use the experience to helps others.
Who inspires me:
I’m inspired by all the people I’ve met who’ve opened up about their mental health. Since I’ve started being public about my own mental health and opening up to people around me about what I’ve personally experienced, others have also found the courage to open up to me, which is really great.
I find it so inspiring to hear stories from people who’ve gone through difficult situations but they’re using their experiences to do something for the better and to help other people going through something similar. That’s what I aspire to be like.
I want my experience to help other people. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I felt so I aspire to be like those who inspire others.
In terms of celebrity role models, Oprah Winfrey is one of the most inspirational women I know of. She’s just so passionate and despite facing many challenges throughout her childhood, she continued to push through, using her dreams as a motivator. It really inspires me to keep working on strengthening my skills and abilities to help other people and to live the life I aspire to.
One book, movie or resource I’d recommend to people who are struggling
For me, there wasn’t just one resource that particularly helped me. Overcoming my difficulties was more about trying different things and seeing what worked for me. It wasn’t about going to a book for help or finding a magic cure through reading or listening to something.
For me, it was just trial and error, trying different things to help me. Putting myself into situations that may have scared me at the time, but challenging that and pushing myself.
In saying that though, at the right time, I think the book ‘The Secret’ is quite powerful. I say that because it’s about the Law of Attraction. I’m a strong believer in that if you have positive thoughts, think positive things, then positive will follow you.
Through my most difficult times, I was thinking in quite a negative way. Things weren’t getting better until I changed my mindset. I think that’s really powerful in recovery, in helping yourself deal with situations differently. That was definitely a resource that helped me.
I think it’s something I always knew, but it just reaffirmed that and helped me to change my mindset during that dark time.
Where I see myself in five to ten years
There are lots of things that I hope to achieve in the next five to ten years. That includes travelling, working and volunteering overseas. I would love to develop my career further in mental health to continue helping others through their experiences. I’ve already done some public speaking, but I’d love to do more to help others through dark times.
I really want to be helping people and making a difference. That’s all that I’ve ever wanted. So I’ll be in a career where I’m actively doing that and no matter where my career leads me, I always want to be advocating for and educating about mental health because that’s something that I’ve experienced and something that I’m really passionate about.
I’ve also developed my own project ‘Happiness Connect’. It’s a way to share stories about mental illness and mental health and to inspire people to either make a change or to help them get through difficult times. In the future, I hope it grows into a not-for-profit organisation where I can support and inspire others through public speaking and different support programs.
